Why you need to ‘come out’ as a Highly Sensitive Person
It's not uncommon for me to find myself encouraging clients to ‘come out’ to friends, family and colleagues as being highly sensitive. There are many positive reasons why I suggest this…
Acceptance of self
There is something so fundamentally liberating about just owning who we are. It can free up a lot of energy and we can begin to focus on our joy rather than wasting energy, trying to pretend to be something that we're not. We can stop feeling like a failure, because we find ourselves exhausted with activities others enjoy but we find draining - like a crowded festival perhaps.
It can be common to feel as HSP’s as though we are further behind than others or failures for not being able to endure the world, like other people do. That we are more impacted by life, that our health is quickly impacted, that we might burst into tears as we are full with the emotional input of others, or we get overwhelmed by sensory input and so on.
When we can start to accept our differences and realise that, because we experience things in a more heightened way, we need to look after ourselves and create adaptations (it can also help us realise the gifts of our trait… more on that below). Looking back at our lives through the lens of being highly sensitive, it can start to also reframe our past experiences and difficulties - which can be very healing and forgiving.
Change the way we live and work
When we own our highly sensitive trait, we can begin to ask for what we need, as this awareness then helps us explain our needs. It can also help us structure our lives in a way that feels supportive and nourishing. When we look at our lives through our HSP trait lens - and focus on different elements of it like work, home life, friendships, we can start to ask how to change this to feel more resourced and things can start to change.
For example, my husband, and I know we're both sensitive so solo time to decompress is very important to both of us to survive! So we factor this in with our childcare - part of which means we both get a solo retreat each year to get a heavy dose of nourishing alone time. When we see friends or family, we agree beforehand, what capacity we're at for other humans, and agree on the signal for when we're feeling very depleted, or getting ready to go. Staying resourced energetically helps us to maintain a greater sense of harmony for the whole family.
Personally, I changed my whole career due to my highly sensitive nature, because I realised I just couldn't work in an open plan office where the phones were ringing constantly and so on. I need to be in a quiet space alone, doing deep work. It might not be as dramatic as this for you, but perhaps you need to work from home more often to help support your HSP traits and work more efficiently. We are all different. However it's important to have a willingness to start to assess different aspects of our lives and be honest with ourselves, so we can begin to improve them and make practical changes.
Change our relationships
Understanding our tendencies and our needs can be positively impactful on our relationships rather than detrimental. I remember talking to friends about my sensory overwhelm and how I would withdraw or shut down because of it. They would respond with - ‘Oh that's why you disappear!’. They realised it wasn't personal, that actually, I was just trying to cope not abandoning them. Our honesty can be a relief.
I remember telling my family for a certain period consistently, ‘it's not that I don't love you and don’t want to be with you, I just need to have space to refuel’. A few years later, I remember starting to feel grey from over exposure to being with the family. My mum gently and quietly came over and said why don't you go next door and read for half an hour? She could see my energy reserves were being depleted, and I just needed a break. I did exactly that, and I came back and felt fine.
People may not understand at first like my family, but with willingness, honesty and clarity it can deepen our connections, creating more harmonious relationships. People can start to realise that you're just built differently, and you're not withdrawing from them - for example, it's not personal. You just need to refuel. This honesty can take tension out of relationship dynamics and create understanding.
Focus of the gifts
When we begin to realise there is nothing ‘wrong with us’, and we're not ‘too sensitive’ - we can in fact start to embrace the trait, which includes the gifts it brings! However, we can't do this until we recognise it and own it… This can in the case for myself, for example, lead to an entirely new career or change in direction when combined with your inherent skills and interests. A career that honours your deepest strengths, will only contribute most greatly to humanity and the planet.
There are two strengths of HSP’s the first is highly sensitive somatic empathy, which makes us fantastic at reading the emotional experience of other people - hence the name ‘empath’. When we start to trust this trait, it can make us very good at determining the intentions of others to protect ourselves and those we love. This is a very powerful tool in many settings for decision making.
The other strength is that when HSP’s own their sensitivity, it can lead to opening up to your natural intuitive abilities, which, when developed, can lead to extraordinary things supporting and enhancing all areas of your life. When you begin to trust your intuitive sensitivity, a world of creative possibility opens up to you.
The caveat to coming out
When you start to tell people that you're highly sensitive, begin with your biggest fans and supportive loved ones. What you don't need is to tell your most critical or cynical work colleague who will tell you you're being ridiculous - this will shut you down and kill your confidence. You want someone who sees you and will validate your experience and accept you. To help build your confidence.
In some circumstances, perhaps you never say anything, instead you just begin to make the changes required to support yourself, whether that is a career change or asserting stronger boundaries. It's really about taking ownership of your trait and acting accordingly to support yourself.
When we do come out - most find it deeply validating. It can also help you find like minded people and make friends with other sensitives which will support you. It can also be incredibly liberating for others. Begin to talk more openly about it, as it may help others to realise they too share the trait as well and they can begin to learn more deeply about who they are and what they need to be the best version of themselves in the world for others. So being willing to be open and honest about being a HSP can lead to great things all round, I can testify to that!
Related reading
Six reasons your intuition is your most valuable life tool
Eight books that mark, turning points in my perspective, as an intuitive empath
